Chapter 153But Still, Go Forward!
Wataru was very confused when he saw me. The same thing happened when I went to see him during my lunch break earlier, but when he wasn't in the work mode, he was still the usual Wataru, the one I knew so well. Although my anxiety and nervousness were still there, when I saw him much more distraught than I was it made me calm down a little.
"N-Natsukawa...?"
"Y-Yeah..."
That's impossible — Wataru, who seemed to say so, took a step or two closer to me, then he rubbed his eyes. When I answered, Wataru took two steps back as if to finish his examination. His gesture was rather adorable like what we usually see in anime or TV dramas.
"G-Goddess..."
"Wh...—"
That word seemed to come out of nowhere. When I recalled the past Wataru, it was a word that I often heard coming out of his mouth. Even so, the sound of that word somehow made me feel nostalgic, and it felt different from the days when I was tired of hearing that word and considered it as an annoying word.
"—What did you say suddenly...?"
"No, yeah, it's just... ...I just got hit by a dusk correction."
"I-I see."
Many things were swirling around in my mind. After the Cultural Festival Executive Committee meeting was over and after finishing talking with Sasaki-kun, I started to think of many things. Things I wanted to ask him, things I couldn't understand from him, things I wanted to know from him, things I should have resolved with him to some extent were mixed. I incoherently tried to explain in a voice that only I could hear, something that felt hot and almost rose to my head. Even I didn't know the meaning of the words that came out of my mouth.
I see, your *ss. I see, your *ss, that's not like that, oi.
My head, which was able to think again, begged me to stop the turmoil in my heart. Goddess — I'm not someone great enough to be likened to a Goddess like that. On the contrary, I'm not even sure if I can do as many things as other people do. At least I realize that I was a spoiled child, who was spoiled by my parents, little sis, and classmates since childhood. I don't think that was the cause. After all, in the end, I was the one who made myself into the empty person I am today.
I think I did my best. I think I've suffered. I think I struggled with my problems and thought that I had overcome them.
Then why does my mind feel so fuzzy like this right now? It's simply because I don't want to admit that I, who masquerades as a superior person, am not that special. I am not as great as a Goddess, nor am I someone who can be relied upon, nor am I the type of person who can be lifted that much. I'm just a child who can't admit what I can't do.
As I looked into Wataru's eyes as if to confront him, he turned his face away from me, somewhat impatiently.
"...I see, so you haven't returned to your home yet? I thought Natsukawa had already arrived home since you said that you wanted to meet Airi-chan as soon as possible."
That's true, though. I have that feeling. Airi is the most precious thing in this world to me. To protect my beloved little sis' smile, I want to be by her side as soon as possible, even if it's just for a minute or a second. But even if I go home like this, will I be able to smile at Airi with confidence? I don't think I want to show my smile to anyone in my family with the same strained smile as when I was in middle school again. Besides...
"Th-That... —Th—... ...That means I've been waiting for you..."
"Eh?"
Similarly — I had an impulse that overcame my heart and said, "I want to see you".
It would be so much easier if I could say it clearly, wouldn't it? My voice, which was so low that it seemed to come out of the gap between my airways, sounded very pitiful, and my fingertips were trembling with embarrassment. But still, since I had come this far, I didn't want to run away anymore.
"I-I was... ...waiting for you."
"Eh?"
Wh-Why can't I tell you that...?
I almost couldn't stop myself from saying that unintentionally. As I tried my best to hide my embarrassment, I managed to get my voice out as best as I could, but it came back. Instead, I let out something like a moan, "Ugh...". My vision was a little wet and trembling from my frustration. Unable to contain my emotions, I looked up at Wataru and saw a completely different face than before, with a flat face that had lost all its agitation.
I was surprised and began to forget my regrets.
"...Eh? Why?"
He looked at me as if he didn't understand what I meant. There was no anxiety, panic, or confusion on his face, but only a probing look — as if he was looking for something or checking something. I could tell that Wataru's scattered consciousness was only focused on me.
Our eyes met each other.
Eyes that never wavered. Eyes that never wandered. I almost felt overwhelmed by the power of his eyes, which stared straight into mine. But still, I managed to hold on, feeling the obligation to convey these feelings of mine.
"...I want to talk to Wataru..."
"..."
Wataru's gaze moved as if he was searching for something inside me. I couldn't move my body. It moved inside me, my heart as if it was searching for something. It was as if my body was being played with at will.
Wataru, who had been playing with me for some time, took his eyes off me as if he had given up on what he was seeing. As the sensation of the foreign object had disappeared, my breathing became much faster. I felt as if my whole body was getting hot. I held my right arm with my left hand. I felt that the surface of my skin felt thinner than usual.
"Um, is there something bothering you...?"
"Y-Yeah, something is bothering me... ...Yeah... ...Something like that, maybe."
That wasn't wrong, though. However, when I was asked by him, I answered the question randomly. I didn't have time to think about it. The things I had wanted to talk to him about — The things that had formed clearly in my heart, like a water balloon, that somehow managed to maintain its shape — had now burst. Fortunately, what splashed out was not water. I hurriedly gathered it from within my shallow mind before waiting for Wataru's next words. By the time I was asked and answered his question, I had managed to return it to its original form.
"Heh...? ...What's wrong?"
"Um, recently... ...No. It was probably quite a while ago, though..."
The words I'm saying aren't clear. I was worried about whether I could convey this to Wataru properly. I need to think carefully about what I want to say to him in my head, divide it into more detailed parts, add more complete details, and then speak it out of my mouth. It would be much easier if I could do that, wouldn't it?
In the end, the words that suddenly came to my mind came out.
"—I wonder If I was helpful...?"
"Eh?"
Of course, it was no surprise that I would be asked back by him. The words I spoke didn't contain concrete details that he couldn't understand. I also only conveyed to him the troublesome parts.
I raised my gaze that had been inclined to look down. As I looked timidly at Wataru, there was no face of a troublesome person, but rather there was the face of a reliable person who waited calmly and patiently.
"I wonder if I was helpful... ...how?"
I spoke slowly and without hurry. Wataru gave me another chance to tell him. Come to think of it, I don't remember Wataru interrupting me before. I think he's a good listener, it's just that I might not have realized it. I think I should have been able to calm myself down with his extraordinarily gentle kindness.
However, for some reason, my heartbeat became faster and faster to the point that it threw me off track.
"This time... ...you just did what you were told and made a decision..."
"No, I'm still a first-year student, so isn't it only natural?"
No, it's not. That's not what I wanted to tell him. I don't care if it's called natural or not. That's not my goal. How did Wataru feel when he saw me? That's what I want to hear from him.
"But..."
"...?"
But, but, that's because. A helpless girl that I once watched on television somewhere somehow came to mind. Maybe that's how I see myself right now.
I don't want to be hated by him.
I thought about this strongly. I stared at Wataru as if in prayer. Wataru looked at me in confusion.
There was nothing I could do at the moment. Nor could I convey to him what I wanted to say to him properly. This made me feel frustrated, pathetic, and embarrassed. I couldn't help but give him a harsh look and ask him to make me understand.
"No, I—"
As if he sensed something, Wataru suddenly looked at me in shock. I lowered my gaze and began to think, wondering if there was something Wataru couldn't understand either.
He was trying to understand me.
I didn't want to disturb him. However, I felt good when I saw him thinking with his lightly furrowed eyebrows. Taking advantage of the fact that we couldn't look at each other, I let my thoughts run wild to my heart's content so that I could release the heat inside my body.
I took a good look at Wataru's face. I don't think I was bored.
I tried not to miss any changes in his facial expression, and when I sensed that Wataru's mind had merged, I suppressed my heartbeat which was constantly expanding and contracting without stopping.
"Oh—... ...Um, first of all, I'm an outsider, right? Moreover, what I'm doing is a bit out of my ordinary... ...It's very out of line. Indeed, it's very unnatural for a student to hire contractors from other places to help with the preparation for the Cultural Festival... ...There's no "good" to it because there's no point in getting involved in that kind of thing and doing the work well."
"Why...?"
I said it before I even had time to think about it.
As if I hadn't done anything good. I'm not satisfied with Wataru saying that in such a condescending manner. The Cultural Festival Executive Committee is in a corner and a difficult situation — Until Wataru and Ishiguro-senpai arrived, we didn't know what would happen in the future, and we were in a state of anxiety every day. Without a doubt, it was none other than Wataru and the others who pulled us out of the darkness into a brighter position. I didn't want him to say that all the work we had done up to that point had been in vain.
"No, therefore—"
"—Why would you help us to that extent...?"
"Eh...? ...Eh?"
Wataru was confused. I can see that he's in trouble.
I don't want to cause him trouble. I don't want to pretend to blame him. I know that. I want to shut my mouth right now. Somewhere in my heart, a calmness tries to stop the words that flow like a muddy stream. However, I could not stop the heat and momentum I gained from those words.
"Why would Wataru want to do this...?"
"No, that's—"
"Why...? ...How could you want to do the work that hard?"
"...Natsukawa?"
...
But they were rather strong words, though. Those are my true feelings that I was finally able to convey to him. I guess this is enough for now. I've given up on this conversation and stopped trying to stay calm.
"I was surprised when Wataru first came here. You helped me as if you already knew everything, and then you gave instructions to us together with a senpai and even participated in the meeting we had.... ...for some reason. And when I found out that the Student Council was also in danger for some reason, I guess you tried your best to help your Big Sis."
"Oh—..."
"—But, Wataru firmly said "No!"."
That's right. That's when I started to feel bothered.
I don't know what Wataru's reasons were for going out of his way to help us, even to the point of putting his Big Sis aside. Once I started thinking about it, my thoughts continued to grow endlessly.
"Th-That's, though... ...Oh, you see, we're siblings, you see. I can't say embarrassing words to you like "for Big Sis' sake" directly, right? The two of us weren't that close, to begin with."
"That's a lie. I was watching you at that time. You didn't look like you had a stupid or angry expression on your face. I've known Wataru since we were in middle school."
"..."
"I was being followed by him.". At least, that's what I've been thinking for the past two years. Wataru is probably still interested in me, and I think he knows a lot about me. I also spent all my time with Wataru. His face, his gestures, the tone of his voice when he was emotional. I may not have tried to get to know Wataru better, but if I retrace my memories, I can see many other versions of Wataru there.
Wataru looked into my eyes.
"...Why do you want to know more about it so badly?"
"..."
For a moment..., just a moment, I think I saw some irritation flashing in his eyes. Wataru asked me back while returning to his original position at the desk, leaning slightly on it as if he was slightly bent over and looking at me again. At that moment, the sharpness I felt just moments before had disappeared. Although my heart trembled, I managed to answer his question.
"...I-I don't know."
"Then isn't that good?"
Those words were immediately returned by him. I could see in Wataru's eyes that he didn't want to say anything to me. Something uncomfortable began to spread inside my body.
"I didn't want to tell you.". That meant there was a good reason. Wataru wasn't doing it for his Big Sis' sake, he was working hard for something else, and he was looking forward to it.
Wataru's supporting reason. Wataru's secret. If he says that he "doesn't want to", maybe it's better if I don't force him to tell me. Although I already knew it in my mind, my strong desire to know the reason made it even harder for me not to put it into words.
"N-No..."
"..."
Those childish words. I've heard it many times coming out of Airi's mouth.
Strangely, I can't deny myself like that. I'm sure I must have realized the fact that I'm just a child who can't feel satisfied until I say that I'm satisfied. Normally, I wouldn't show this kind of side to anyone.
But, but, if it's closely related to Wataru—
'—Because he... ...always liked Natsukawa.'
I was reminded of Sasaki-kun's words. I should have known this offhand, but every time I recalled it, I felt as if I was being confronted with something by force. The fact that I felt like this was proof that I was turning my face away.
At the end of this spring. I remember that I became much more confused than I thought when Wataru told me that it was time for us to say goodbye to each other. Now that I think about it, I've probably been averting my eyes ever since.
"I'm worried" — I can't admit that that's how I feel right now.
"..."
When I looked at him, Wataru's eyes were slightly wide open and he was looking at me in surprise. I don't know why I felt a bit guilty towards Wataru because of that. He even referred to me as "Goddess", so he was probably surprised after hearing my words which can only be described as selfish words coming out of my mouth.
"...Huh...?"
"...!"
Wataru let out a small sigh. A small sigh, which I couldn't notice unless I paid close attention, like he was just breathing.
I wondered if he felt surprised. Does he hate me already? If that's the case, it's rather painful for my heart.
I couldn't express to him in words that I was interested. Because I've trampled on Wataru's feelings too many times before. Words like "I'd like to get to know more about you," are too insolent. Maybe it was too late for me to build something. But still. But still. But still.
"—...Natsukawa, you see—"
"...Eh...?"
—That was his gentle voice.
When I looked up from my downcast position, I saw Wataru sitting at his desk, looking out the window. Beyond the twilight, his eyes of the same color melted into the sky and turned purple.
The side of his face, with the corner of his mouth, turned up, in a self-mocking manner, reminded me of the first thing I saw when I peeked into this classroom. There was none of his usual smile, the kind that makes me feel relaxed. And with a face that looked like it was enduring a bit of pain.
With a face I didn't recognize, he whispered.
"Oh..."
...God - Goddess.
I can never be the same as You. I do like taking care of my cute little sis more than anyone else, but I haven't been able to let go of my childish nature and in the end, I'm just a spoiled child. I try my best to be a kind-hearted big sis to her, but when things get tough for me, I end up wanting to be spoiled by others. I don't think I've grown up yet.
Therefore... please let me know—
"—Weakness is what makes one fall in love."
How can I relieve this uncontrollable heat inside me?
TL: Reeze27
ED: Reeze27
PR: Reeze27
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