Chapter 61Mindset
"There is a term called "spiritual unity". It has a strong Buddhist taste, and if you on a dictionary, you will find a definition, but it is only something that experts can define for now. Think of the various definitions that exist."
"Ha-Huh...?"
Doing zazen*. I tried sitting down, but I couldn't do it in the skillful way I had in mind, so I just sat cross-legged. But it seemed to work. I was also told that putting my toes on my knees was wrong because my legs were stiff in place and I couldn't read the chaos from outside. No, I had no intention of doing that.
(TL Note: Zazen is a popular form of Buddhist meditation in which participants sit for long periods to try to achieve inner peace and explore the meaning of existence.)
It didn't seem to hurt or be painful, so I closed my eyes and listened to the story.
"Kanjou-ryū, as the name suggests, is about mastering the art of 'Kan' which means 'seeing'. There are two types: 'mental unity' and 'empty the mind'."
Kan-... what did he say? Do you speak Japanese? I can't understand your Japanese at all. Can't you say that in Japanese? I'm quite American and Bohemian.
When I was confused about what was going on, Shinomiya-senpai, who probably realized this, explained it to me, as if complementing her grandfather's explanation.
"It's easy to understand if you imagine the two as a vertical bar graph. In the case of 'mental unity', you can think of it as an uneven graph, showing the levels of various emotions, all of which are adjusted to the average and aligned horizontally. You might think that this would increase negative emotions, such as 'anger' or 'sadness', but they would be successfully counterbalanced by the opposite emotion."
Hmm? Oh, I see..., yeah, that's great. That's cool. She's cool, and she'll be able to easily get rid of all the gyaru girls from now on. So I can't wait to work with you.
No, no, no, ...isn't it? You did explain everything to me, but I don't understand at all. The graph? What's the negative? What is this, the math material from when I was sick? I wonder if the graph will come with variables a, b, x, etc...
"In contrast, 'mindfulness' is a state where all feelings are returned to nothingness. If you compare it to the vertical bar graph I showed earlier, think of it as a state where everything is zero. Incidentally, this quality would have been considered dangerous in the Age of Samurai. In an age when people were less aware of the need to kill, this quality was considered too dangerous. It is a superhuman quality that is only allowed in this time of peace."
Hmm! Didn't you just suddenly say something very dangerous? What will I learn this time, to kill or... ...something like that? You can't say anything dangerous or anything like that, right? Look, I'm a peace-loving person. I like white doves and New York. I want to eat white doves.
"I want to see which qualities you have today. You don't need to think about anything else, just close your eyes and think so that your mind is 'empty'. It doesn't matter what the explanation is, just show me how to make your mind 'empty'."
"What? Huh?"
"What are you thinking about? I told you to make your mind 'empty'!"
Whoosh.
A shinai slammed into the side of my body. I was so shocked that I made a pained sound, but in my haste, I somehow managed to get into the right position and decided to close my eyes and empty my mind.
*Knock*.... ...and my head began to nod off with very strong drowsiness... ...I was excited at the thought that tomorrow was summer vacation and my tension was rising.
...Uh, no, wait a minute? How do you empty your mind? You told me it was easy, but there's no way I can do it. W-Well... ...Umm...
"...Wataru..."
Whoa!!?
Why!? Why is it that at times like this my erotic fantasies with Natsukawa come out!? It's puberty, isn't it!? I mean, isn't my puberty already over? How come─ Calm down, me! Times like this are times when you should think about the things you think about every day! Calm down, my short and rude Mr. P!
Oh no, no, I can't concentrate at all. The more I think that I must be doing this right, the more weird things come out. I don't care if it's just in my mind, but if I show it on my face, I'm messed up. Huh. ...Concentrate, concentrate, concentrate.
"...Kaede."
"...Hayato."
Gyaaaa!!!?
Why are Big Sis and Yuuki-senpai wet... - Whoa! That's disgusting! It's disgusting to have such fantasies about my big sister! No, no, no, why would I have such a fantasy?! I didn't want to think about this, but I did! What's wrong with me!? Why Sajou Wataru? Is it because he's a hottie?
"Hmm... ...Hey, open your eyes!"
"Huh? ...!!?"
"~~~..."
Just as I thought I had been ordered in a very uncomfortable way, I looked up at Shinomiya-senpai's face in front of me, who looked very upset. I was so shocked that I couldn't speak because I was too shocked, and for some reason, I looked into her eyes.
What, ...? I mean, how could you get that close? Our noses could have bumped, you know. Is this some kind of training or something...? Shinomiya-senpai is trembling more than I am.
That's right, this is it! Boys and girls our age can get nervous just by looking at each other like this! What's with the scent of Natsukawa's hair!? Her scent was neither too sweet nor sour, so I accidentally fixed my hair normally! Since I already know that she doesn't hate me, I'm not sure how I should behave from now on...!?
Oh, it's already summer vacation. We won't have to see each other for a while. Good, good, good. ....I'll miss you so much.
"S-Sajou...! Why do you look like you want to cry!?"
"Look... I won't see her for more than a month...!"
"Who are you talking about?! Is that me?! Are you talking about me?!"
What did I do last year, huh...? ...Because Natsukawa didn't have a smartphone yet at that time... ...Oh, yeah, did I ride a bicycle to go shopping at night and follow her? That's impossible, right? Am I a stalker? ...Why am I recalling how heavy my luggage is? Wh y was I carrying all this stuff? I remember my arms were so sore.
Natsukawa Aika... Ah, even if it's just a fantasy in my head, she's still cute. Isn't it great that there's no difference between reality and dreams? Don't you think there's no destiny better than this?
—Ah...
A memory from late last spring suddenly popped into my mind. The thin face reflected in the mirror and the brown hair and bad-looking hairstyle. I remember feeling a strange disgust before I was too halfway between ugly and handsome. No matter how hard I tried, I wondered why I was doing such a futile thing.
Right, that's not me, not the current me. Look at your goal, you know, even though there's no Natsukawa there — Oh, yeah, I've thought about it a lot, haven't I? Even though I'm doing my best to stand by her, I'm still trying to put up with different types of people every day. It was even more painful because it would just wear me out...
"...-jou!"
That's why I yearn for a normal, easy everyday life where the same things are repeated over and over again...
"--Hey! Sajou!"
"Oh, my!?"
I was suddenly shaken violently and my tongue twitched inside my mouth, causing me to make a strange sound.
"What's going on? Is there an enemy attack?"
I said something strange. I've been playing FPS* games too much.
(TL Note: FPS = First Person Shooter.)
"What's wrong, your *ss?! Your eyes are so empty!?"
"T-That's..., doesn't that mean I made it...?"
"'Kanjou-ryū' isn't that scary, you know!"
"Scary...?"
'Empty eyes'. I felt a bit tickled just by those words alone, but being called scary by a normal and pretty-faced girl, was very painful. Of course, it was very surprising. Can't you put that cute face on me again?
"Oh my... ...What the hell were you thinking...?"
"I mean, look, what do you mean by making my mind "empty"...?"
"You can't make your mind "empty", kid?"
"...Yes?"
The old man interrupted from the side. What he said was a contradiction in terms as I thought about what Senpai said.
Uh, ...then why did you tell me to close my eyes. I'm taking the trouble to think of something unnecessary. Most of these are wicked thoughts. If I know it's impossible, I should at least think of something mystical.
"How is it possible for humans, intelligent beings, to live without thinking? What I just said is that you are asked to 'empty your mind', and the question is what you should think about."
"Most of them are like wicked thoughts."
"Is this about Rin?"
"No, not at all."
"Why not?"
Look, from my perspective as some guy who has met Natsukawa, Natsukawa is the only one I feel attracted to, right? The Shinomiya-senpai from earlier is also a bit cute, but just because she's cute, doesn't mean I'm in love with her, right?
"So you're the 'empty the mind' type, right?"
"What, am I superhuman?"
"Just because Rin said so, you don't have to go that far. Usually after hearing the phrase "close your eyes", you're feeling holy, but you're also lying with negative thoughts. ..., yeah, young people these days."
Huh, are you mad at me? If I'm a person with empty thoughts, shouldn't I be like that? I'm kind of happy now that I can empty my mind or something. What, maybe I have a forbidden level of talent even today? I mean, I lied. ...This could be the last one.
"The ability to "empty your mind" according to the situation is the key. You throw it away without trying to get rid of your mind, immature guy."
"...!"
"Wait, Grandpa, ...I didn't bring him here just to listen to that lecture..."
"Oh, no, it's okay, Senpai."
'Get rid of my mind'... ...that's not wrong. I got rid of some parts. I've understood that several times. I'm sure I felt inferior, but it's much better to be in a position where you feel you're in a good position than to be twisted and blamed for it. I may not have ambitions, but what's the point of coming to a more difficult position? Unless you get paid more for it.
"By the way, what are the standards for the 'mental unity' type...?"
"The ability to 'put yourself outside of yourself.'... ...I can say that an objective mind is very important. Even more so, if you can interpret this reality into a book and become a reader or writer."
"Well, I thought Sajou was the 'mental unity' type, but..."
"If you have proof, was this guy a 'party involved' at the time?"
"Ah..."
Was it when I first met Shinomiya-senpai and Inatomi-senpai? Indeed, I wasn't involved at that time. It wasn't a matter of my mindset, I just interfered from the side as if it was someone else's problem.
...I see what you mean. In my fantasy, I thought of myself as one of the characters, so I'm not the 'unity of mind' type. It's true that if I were on the sidelines, I wouldn't be a character in the story and my eyes wouldn't be blank. 'Spirituality'... is very well done. What about Big Sis? No, let's just forget about it.
Can dreams or anything like that be a good sign of what to do...? There are dreams where you just watch from the sidelines or dreams where you spend time being yourself. Of course, I don't remember, but when she said that, I felt like there were many dreams where I spent time as myself.
♦
As I stated, my mindset, huh? I was finally freed when I found out. For some reason, I felt that this was a good opportunity for me to dig deeper into a part of myself that was somehow unclear to me. And a way to organize my thoughts - I used to just think of myself as a 'mere' myself, but I now know that there are other ways to do some things.
The only thing that made me feel unpleasant was, even when I thanked the grandpa for the lesson, he looked at me with a sharp gaze as if he was telling me not to come again. I felt that he didn't get along with young people. Except for Shinomiya-senpai.
"No, that's right, isn't it? Senpai."
"..! W-What is it, Sajou?"
"I think it's too much for me to be a member of the Disciplinary Committee."
"T-That's..."
When I was learning about various mindsets, I was able to use this as a tool, but it seemed that I couldn't make it as a natural mindset. If that old man was the basis of Shinomiya-senpai's temperament as the President of the Disciplinary Committee, then I, who was called immature by the old man, would not fit into the Disciplinary Committee in terms of atmosphere and human relations. If Inatomi-senpai and Mita-senpai were also mature, it would be much better than that.
"Then, we will meet again at another place and time in the Second Term."
"Ah..."
After parting with Shinomiya-senpai, I left the main gate — No, what is a 'main gate' anyway? I don't know if you guys call a normal house gate like that. I felt like I was in a public facility.
Not that I changed my mind about anything in particular. But still, somewhere in my head, there was a nostalgia for the days when I got carried away, and those silly days kept repeating themselves like crazy.
TL: Reeze27
ED: Reeze27
PR: Reeze27
Support Us: https://ko-fi.com/ninjacross
Donations are very much appreciated.
Read in other languages: