Chapter 53Forgotten True Feelings
"Hmm... ...hmm?"
...Oh, it's bad. These are the times when I fall asleep, right? These are the times when teachers sarcastically say "Good mor-ning!" when you look up. I've already experienced that.
How long has it been, and how much time has passed? I listened carefully and managed to... ...Huh? What is that sound so far away? It's like something is stuck behind my ears... Is it just my imagination?
I can hear it, I can hear it. This is a rather arrogant way of speaking... coming from none other than my World History teacher. She was a teacher with 1990s bangs and a funny way of speaking. I always looked at her bangs and when it was class time it was a bit boring. Maybe she had it organized. ...I wonder if she'll get mad when I blow on her bangs. ...Maybe she'll get mad when I blow her bangs.
Well, after all, this was my World History teacher we're talking about, so it was the third period. This is one of those times that makes me fall asleep. ...Oh, I wonder if this will lead to a complaint to my homeroom teacher, Ootsuki-chan, and a scolding in the counseling room, based on the information Nakamura-sensei reported...
...Oh, the sound of chalk is heard. There must be a teacher in front of the blackboard right now, so if I wanted to look up, now would be the time, right? I'll pretend like I've been awake since before and pretend I don't know anything. Ready, set, go!
...Wh-What is it? I can't even lift my head, let alone make a funny face. No, seriously. I think I can lift my head with a little effort. I don't remember my head being this heavy. Alright, okay, lift your head now. Here, one, two!
"Whoa..."
...Oh, this is dangerous. It hurts, my head hurts, my head hurts. It hurt so much that I had to chant it over and over again. The front of my head felt very serious. The gravity of the Earth and this light and sight in my eyes bothered me a lot. This amount of truth... ...This amount of truth is killing me! What the hell am I doing in reality...?
Ah, I see. So this is the reason why I feel my ears are so faint? So you've been unwell, ah, yes, yeah.
"—jocchi."
Ah, Ashida, you called me just now in a whisper, didn't you? With just a short voice, I was able to guess it well. No, sorry, I don't have time to respond to you right now.
"High..."
Eum, annoyed. What's wrong? Am I still not raising my head? I don't know, the pain in my head is just taking away my sense of balance. What's wrong, huh? Could it be more serious than I thought...?
"Are you finally awake? Sajou-kun."
"Oh..."
Busted. I was finally busted. Well, Teacher, you don't have to bother coming right in front of me. Yes, of course, she will come. I think if I were a teacher, I would also complain if someone slept in my class. If she looked down and realized that I was wearing a jersey. It's impossible for her not to realize that I'm the only one wearing a jersey.
"I've heard about your situation. Yes, I can understand how you feel about not wearing the same uniform, but that's no excuse for leaving class."
"...Eh."
"Next time, when you go to school, you should be prepared to deal with that kind of problem."
"...Roger that, excuse me..."
"What's wrong?"
"Can I go to the infirmary...?"
The words came out more smoothly than I expected. Maybe it was because I was still in the early stages of a cold, so my throat wasn't inflamed yet. Where did this cold come from anyway? My head.
Oh... ...but maybe I shouldn't have said that during class time. I'd stand out, wouldn't I? I also didn't feel like going to the infirmary right away. I could just sit there and listen, or I could wait until this class is over.
The teacher looked at me with some surprise, and surprisingly, she seemed to be thinking about it seriously.
"I don't mind. But, please review it before the next subject."
"Yeah..."
I thought as I tried to get up, stretching my body. Ah... ...I knew that I shouldn't have missed this class. I'm much heavier than I thought. This is not the time for me to act selfish and weird and say that I don't want to stand out.
"Yeah... Wow, wow, wow, wow!?"
"Hey! Sajou..."
"Tsk..."
The sound of a loud crash. There was no pain, but the sensation of my brain being shaken made me feel pain at the back of my nose. I didn't know what situation I was in at the moment. I only heard the sound of pain coming out of my mouth, so I probably hit the classroom door with all my might.
"─-cchi! Are you o─!?"
"Hey! ─other!"
What the hell am I doing? ...It's just attracting more attention. I need to get up and go to the infirmary as soon as possible. ...Hey, where should I put my hand so I can move? What the heck did I just do? Ah, am I on the bed? Am I lying down? Yes, it's okay. I feel sleepy, so I'm going to rest for a while...
♦
When I got to the second year of middle school, I changed my appearance for the first time.
The reason was "because everyone was doing it too". Then, to my surprise, despite this, I, who tended to be shunned a lot, got used to the people around me and started joking around with them. At that point, I started trying to change my appearance and continued to do so.
Overall, don't reveal your true intentions. I feel that I hold this obliquely and have a sharp eye for everything I see. And as I pretended to be above it all, I also realized this. Ah, this is what I mean by becoming an adult. Because we would lose our innocence as "children" and we can't get along sincerely, we create a different self and use this as a shield to protect our true selves. That's how I got to know more people, like groping.
But I can't always maintain the principle of "I'm still immature". I'm sure everybody around me is going through the same thing.
For me at that time, the main area where I could maintain my improved self at that time was the classroom. When I was still not used to it, if I stepped out of the classroom and was alone, I might have turned into a "mud boy". I guess that caught me off guard.
It was still raining at the time.
A loud metallic sound. Plates and crockery were scattered about. There was nothing to worry about, I just fell more conspicuously than anyone else in the cafeteria, where the floor was slippery with moisture. Nowadays, if someone saw me make a mistake like that, I think they would think, "Ah, I don't know who you are, you've done that.".
But I was different at that time. When I was worried about my reputation, I was afraid that everyone around me would say that I was 'weak', even though they were only thinking that in their hearts. The fact that everyone around me stopped making noise when they saw me being careless, and no one around me made a move, probably contributed to that. Either way, they're probably in the same boat as me right now.
There wouldn't be a second's pause between them. Back then, I think I tried to run away before they could see my face as if it was the embodiment of my immaturity.
At that moment, the incident happened. A female student called out to me as if she didn't want this to happen to me. I still remember forgetting to move and being completely mesmerized by her...
It wasn't long before I recognized her and I was swallowed up by that endless swamp.
♦
I wouldn't worry about whether I knew or didn't know about the ceiling in my vision. At best, I could only reduce the apparent disgust by gritting my teeth and furrowing my brow.
"Ugh... ...Sh*t."
I must be in the worst physical condition. Abnormal swearing at my bad luck came out of my mouth in the form of words. Imagining the rain and humidity as the cause, made me feel even more uncomfortable.
"Are you awake?"
"...Mmm...?"
When I still couldn't open my eyes, someone called out to me. There was a faint smell of medicine in the air. Is this... ...already in the infirmary? I don't remember very well, but it seems that I managed to get there in an unselfish way. When I opened my eyelids, I found an adult female doctor that I had met somewhere before.
"I'm Shindou, the doctor at the infirmary. I've been taking care of your wet uniform since this morning."
"Oh, thank you..."
"Do you remember? I heard you fainted in class. Some people carried you in, you know?"
"..."
I don't remember it at all. And was I carried? Gosh, did they touch me somewhere weird... - I can't imagine. ...Was I sick...?
No, I don't remember anything at all. All I remember is that I think I should go to the infirmary. I don't remember what I did after that.
I shook my head at Shindou-sensei.
"Do I have a cold...?"
"Yeah, 38.6°C. Your nose isn't red, you haven't coughed, and... ...no sore throat yet? Maybe it will still rise."
"Oh...?"
I thought this was just my daily routine. ...It's been a long time since I've had a disaster like this. This is the first time in recent years that I've had a serious disaster. I've always prided myself on being physically strong, but when it's not good, it's not good. ...Oh, my head hurts.
"Huh... ...I was fine until this morning, anyway...?"
"I guess it's called a broken rope, isn't it? I heard you got water from the car, but maybe even without that it was just a matter of time?"
"What...?"
"Sudden fever symptoms are self-defense due to injury or weakened immunity. Immunity can also be weakened by exhaustion. You must be exhausted."
Well, I'm not injured. ...What? I'm exhausted? I didn't do any strenuous exercise or anything like that...
"Not physically, but mentally exhausted. There are some things that you won't even realize until you experience them yourself. This is common among working people."
"Corporate slaves..."
"Is that some kind of future prediction?"
"Ouch..."
Mental exhaustion... ...It's strange, I don't know what it is, but somehow I feel that it just happened to me. I'm sure that this is how it is. Then, I thought about what exactly "exhaustion" was, but I couldn't think of an answer.
"You should go to sleep now. Let me know if you feel hot or cold."
"Okay..."
I didn't feel sleepy. I looked at the ceiling absentmindedly with my confused head. For some reason, this was similar to the feeling I had when I was infused. The smell of medicine and fluorescent light. And the patterns that looked like they were eaten by bugs were irregularly painted on the ceiling. ...If you poke it with a broom handle or something, you can easily poke a hole in it...
I can tell when my head is empty. Depending on how awake I was, I no longer heard the sound of rain. I should be suffering from a headache, but for some reason, the time I spent staring at the ceiling without thinking about anything was pleasant.
Author's Note: My heart also suddenly couldn't stop beating.
TL: Reeze27
ED: Reeze27
PR: Reeze27
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